Jan 30, 2021 12:29 PM
Completed as fuck
I digress

This article is about the planet. If you’re looking for an article about the ancient Roman deity, you’re fucking weird.


Name: Mars (planet) Description: One of the four terrestrial planets in the

, Mars is home to the largest canyon and a complex dust storm system, both of which were discovered in 2007. Brand essence: Curiosity Brand purpose: I exist to inspire humans’ intellectual curiosity. Brand vision: I vision a world where people are inspired to broaden their worldview. Brand mission: I encourage scientific research and the search for evidence of life beyond
. Brand values: Curiosity, exploration, evidence. Brand personality: Inquisitive, exploratory, tolerant. Brand voice: Neutral, calm, curious Fictional characters:
Sherlock Holmes
Marty McFly
. Brand positioning: I am the only extraterrestrial planet in the Solar System that can host a human civilization.

Mars, a.k.a. the red planet, is the fourth[citation needed] largest[citation needed] and fourth[citation needed] most massive planet in the solar system, and like literally every other fucking thing it’s named after a god[citation needed].

The planet is notable for being the only one other than Earth to have a stable atmosphere, and is home to three known sentient species: the

, the
, and the
. Just kidding. There’s no sentient life on Mars because nobody can afford to live there, let alone have children.

Mars has long been the subject of masturbation by sci-fi writers, from

Edgar Rice Burroughs
to me. The latest take, turned into a movie starring
Matt Damon
Matt Damon
and Drew fucking Barrymore (just kidding, no one cares about
Drew Barrymore
anymore), is “
The Martian
”, which is based on the book of the same name by Andy Fuckin’ Weir.

In other news,

has now announced a manned mission to Mars in 2026. Scheduled to launch a rocket powered by some new shit, but also including fuckloads of human lifeform samples for the billions who will buy tickets once they can afford it.

So, who knows, maybe you’re reading this while smoking

with your hot Martian girlfriend while trying to get her to do that thing. Well, good luck to you, motherfucker!